A Love Letter to my Children

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me to write a post for his blog, www.johnnywholeheart.com.
I thought I'd share with you what I wrote: A Love Letter to my Children.

My two favorite memories in life were the moments I first held you in my arms. It’s hard to describe that moment to someone who’s never experienced it, because it’s unlike anything else in life.  But I once heard that moment described as a tsunami of love overtaking the mother and I would have to agree. I was overwhelmed with love and caring thoughts toward you.

 

 

Evelyn, you looked just like your daddy.  That was literally the second thought I had after I met you. My first thought was, “Wow! That’s a big baby!” I couldn’t stop stroking your soft skin and kissing your sweet face. I repeated over and over, “My baby, my sweet baby” in the delivery room. You were the most welcome fruit from my long labor.

Those first days at home were magical. I would rock you in that green stuffed rocker and sing “I see the moon,” the same song my Papa used to sing to me. I would cry as I held you, overwhelmed with this new love that you brought when you entered our lives.  We spent our evenings just watching you breathe in and out. In and out.  I couldn’t believe how beautiful you were. It wasn’t long before your lively personality began to shine through. You are joy in its purest form.

Charlie, my sweet son. You are truly your mother’s delight. When you let out your first cry and breathed your first breath of air, my heart exhaled, so relieved and grateful for my strong little man. The first thing we noticed about you were your hands… they were quite big for a newborn. I could tell from the very beginning that you had a calm and gentle disposition, a lot like your daddy’s. It wasn’t but a few hours after you were born that the two of you were taking a nap together on the couch.

 

 

I love watching you grow. Your eyes are always on the move, looking for something to catch your attention. You notice people and absolutely love your sister. You’re blind to her jealousy. And you always, always have a smile on your face. I call you my cheerful Charlie. You’ve been the best addition to our little family, filling the void we’ve felt without you.

Your dad and I talk about you two all of the time. We still can’t believe that you belong to us. One of our favorite things is to watch you two smile at each other and interact with one another. One day we’ll be gone, but you two will always have each other.

Being your mom is such an honor. It’s consumed my whole life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Making sacrifices for you, although it’s not always easy, it’s completely natural. I would rather go without something than for you to have an unmet need.

 

 

I heard in college that love is the accurate estimate and adequate supply of another’s needs. I think that definition sums up motherhood. I want so desperately to make sure all of your needs are met and that I am preparing you well for the future. I want to give you the best. You may not always be happy with my decisions and the way that they affect you, but please trust my heart. My heart is for you.

Now, I’m not perfect, as you already know. I’m a broken person, trying to hold all of my pieces together. And sadly, my brokenness will affect you. I won’t be able to meet every need you have, even if sometimes it’s in my power to do so and there will be times that my choices hurt you. I’m sorry. And I hope that I will always have the courage to admit when I am wrong and that you will always have the grace to forgive. I want you to see that it’s okay to make mistakes and that hurts or offenses do not have to be the end of a relationship. Forgiveness gives us the chance to start again.

One of my biggest fears is losing you. If I let myself, I could let that fear consume me and control the way I raise you. But I struggle to remind myself that you are a gift to me, that you really belong to God. You are His. I pray that His purposes for your life come to be. He is our Father, and his heart toward us is good; we are wise to trust Him.

And I pray that you do grow to trust Him. Without Jesus, I wouldn’t be able to love you the way I do. His grace is what holds our family together; it’s what holds our world together. If you really want to succeed in life, to know and live your purpose, you have to start with Christ. He is the one who created you and He desperately wants you to live a full life, the one that only He can give. It’s hard for me to believe this, but His love for you is stronger than mine.

Lastly, my dear ones, I believe in you. I am convinced that you two have what it takes to move mountains. You are so intelligent and capable. Be who you are and do what only you can do.

Remember to be kind to other people. Don’t use others to get what you want, but treat them as you’d want to be treated. If you have the opportunity to be generous, don’t let it pass you by. Make every effort to live in peace.

As always, I pray blessings on you your whole life.

I am proud of you and I love you,

Your Mama

 

 

My Birth Story

Hi friends. I don’t know if I should ignore the fact that it’s been eight months since I last blogged and just write this post as if no time has lapsed or if I should acknowledge it and say something like, “Oh my, has it been eight months already?!” Either way… It’s been a while! J

I thought I would post some pictures and share my birth story with Charlie since some of you have expressed interest and I haven’t been able to catch up with you yet. 

I like to think of my birth experience as “beautifully uneventful.” Meaning, I had a contraction, and then another one and then ouch! another one, until I pushed a little baby boy out and into the world.  I suppose the interesting part is that it was all done at home.

Our decision to have a home birth was surprisingly an easy one to make. Not to say that I didn’t ever doubt our decision or wonder if we were doing the right thing, which if you know me, you’d expect that. But when it was time to schedule that first appointment, I knew I wanted to do things differently than I did with my first pregnancy.

So we interviewed a midwife and I tried out a different doctor. Then we spent a lot of time talking and praying about it and ultimately decided that a home birth had a better chance of giving us the experience we wanted. Not just during the labor and delivery, but through my entire pregnancy.

I'd also like to say that I am not anti-hospitals or anti-drugs or anything silly like that. I just wanted to try a different approach this time around.

My main concern (and something I feel very passionately about) is that women are empowered and supported to have the birth experience that they want and that the mother’s wishes are respected, whether she delivers at home or in the hospital.  

Charlie was born nine days after his due date which was so wearisome. I thought for sure he’d come early or on his due date since he was my second and I’d done this before. Wrong!

I had a chiropractic adjustment on December 27^th at noon. I really think that helped launch me into labor. The next day was a Saturday and I woke up with contractions. I had them all that day, but they were about 15 minutes apart. We went for a walk, I climbed our stairs two-by-two, and spent a lot of time on my yoga ball, the contractions were consistent, but just nothing to write home call the midwife about.

Around dinner time, both Phil and I thought that this was the beginning of the end. We made arrangements for Evie to be picked up around 6:30 that evening by one of our good friends. This was the first time Evie stayed overnight without me. That was really hard letting her go. Tears were shed. Evie was fine, of course. Ready for an adventure! J

Once Evie left, something in me switched and I felt like it was business time… time to birth a baby! My midwife arrived around 8ish. She checked me and I was only at a two. Her advice was that while the sun is down we don’t do anything to start/activate labor. So she said we should go to bed around 10:00 pm, and if I awoke in a few hours in active labor, then we’d have a baby. But if I slept through the night, I’d be rested and we’d start trying to restart labor in the morning. I think we made it into bed around 11:00. My midwife, Debbie, stayed in our guest room. My contractions were getting closer together and stronger and they didn’t let up once we got into bed, they intensified.

Poor Phil kept dozing off, and I would occasionally kick him and say “put pressure on my back” or “wake up… this hurts!” J I labored in bed like that for a few hours before I got up and went into the bathroom to continue laboring. At that point, I had woken up Debbie with my moaning and she came downstairs. She and Phil started setting up the tub so I could labor in water. Debbie told me as long as I was dilated to a 6 or 7 then I could get in the tub and I was at a 6 ½ . When I got into the water I said “Oh! Praise God for this water!” I don’t remember saying that, but Debbie thought it was noteworthy so wrote it in my birthing records. J It felt wonderful to labor in the water. Debbie and the birthing assistant, Jessica, were diligent to keep the temperature right at 100 degrees. Debbie also checked the baby’s heartbeat frequently with a Doppler, maybe two or three times an hour.

After an hour or two in the tub, I was starting to get too hot and wanted to get out. So, I labored on my bed for a while, at which point my water broke. Don’t worry! We had a plastic covering over our mattress… no harm done! J At that point, I was ready to get back into the tub. Debbie checked me and told me that I was completely dilated and effaced and that I could start pushing whenever I got the urge.  I couldn’t believe that I had gotten there… I thought it would all be downhill from there. And I suppose it was, since I only had 45 minutes until sweet Charlie made his entrance, but boy did it hurt! As many women have testified that they had an overwhelming urge to push, I never felt that sensation. And so I started “pushing” and was just twiddling my thumbs waiting for my baby to come out. But my “pushes” were not strong enough. I asked Debbie a few times, “Do you see the head?” and sadly she didn’t. Not even close.

The funny thing about pushing is that it’s self-inflicted pain. If you don’t push, you don’t hurt. But if you don’t push, your baby is stuck inside you and that just won’t do. So, Debbie gave me some pointers on how I can be a more efficient pusher (who knew?). Poor Phil. I remember grabbing onto his shirt, clenching my fists, and grunting right into his face, trying to push this man-child out of me. Time passed and I was feeling desperate. I remember crying out, “I need to get this baby out of me!” Debbie replied, “It’s all you, Emily. Push your baby out.” And something snapped in me, and I pushed and pushed and desperately pushed that head out, which was followed by my baby boy with just one more push. It was 6:33 am on Sunday, December 29^th.

I felt so much relief in that moment. It was over. And baby was healthy. And it was beautiful.

An interesting thing about midwives is that they don’t clamp the umbilical cord until it stops pulsing so the baby can still get the blood and other goodies from the placenta. So, for the first hour of Charlie’s life, anywhere he went, he was followed by a white Kitchen Aid bowl that held my placenta. It was a little awkward trying to nurse him, “Phil, can you move the bowl closer to me? I need to switch sides.”

After Phil cut the cord, baby was weighed and measured and I was stitched back up. Debbie and Jessica cleaned out the tub, sterilized everything, and really did a great job of making our house feel like it didn’t just double as a delivery room.  It was so wonderful to just hop (well, it was more like slowly and carefully climb) into my own bed in my own clothes.

One of my favorite things about working with a midwife is the type of care that you receive. Debbie came back one day after the birth, three days, one week, and then three weeks after Charlie was born. It was so nice for her to come to me. Also, the last month or so of my prenatal visits, Debbie came to my house to do them. The first day after Charlie was born, Debbie gave me the Rho-gam shot and tested Charlie for several different diseases, the same test that is administered in the hospital. Everything came back normal.  She also weighed Charlie during each visit and was able to assist me with any nursing issues I was having.

I am so grateful for this experience and the wonderful memories that were made. I think its safe to say that we would choose a home birth again in the future!

 

This is a picture of the tub that I labored in and that Charlie was born in. It was set up in our bedroom, though.

 

                                            Here's that sweet little guy, fresh out of the womb.

 

                                                          Phil cutting the cord... finally!

 

 

           Here's Debbie weighing Charlie. He weighed 9 lbs. 5 oz. and was 21 1/2 inches long.

 

                                                         Measuring his head. Fourteen inches.

 

                                                                Measuring his chest.

 

                                          Jessica, me, Charlie and Debbie pose for a group shot!

 

                                                          Our first picture as a family of four.

 

                                                              At our 6 week appointment.

 

 

 

Happy Birthday, Phil!

On Saturday we celebrated Phil's 29th year on this earth! In the Gocke household, our favorite way to celebrate any occasion is by eating good food! So our morning started out with homemade Biscuits and Gravy. I used the Pioneer Woman's recipe and they turned out great! I'm not much of a pork eater, but I really enjoyed this gravy, even ate some of the leftovers the next day.

Here's the link to her recipe if you're interested: PW's Biscuits and Gravy Recipe

After breakfast, I needed to rest! Watching a 16 month old while trying to make a big breakfast really takes the energy out of a little prego! That's one thing that I've been doing a lot of lately, resting! There's plenty I could be doing around here, but I have just been getting so tired, especially in the afternoons. If I don't nap every day, then I'm at least laying down next to Evie while she watches a show on my iPad. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to rest during this pregnancy! Phil is so sweet, he's always encouraging me to rest and gets excited when I tell him that I napped earlier in the day... I've got a keeper!

So anyhoo... after we were rested and ready to go, we were hungry again and headed out to Famous Dave's for some BBQ, Phil's choice. It's funny the stark contrast between the restaurants that we go to for our birthdays: for Phil's birthday it's usually BBQ or a steak house, for my birthday it's sushi or a tea room!

The Birthday Boy with his feast

After lunch, we dropped our little munchkin off to her Aunt Dee's house so Phil and I could go see a movie together. We watched "42." It was the story of Jackie Robinson's first year in Major League Baseball in 1947. The movie itself was a bit on the cheesy side, but Robinson's story is so inspiring. He really did so much for our country during that awful time. Also, a side note, Harrison Ford played an old man in that movie and it was just plain weird. I'm not ready for Harrison to be old. Where's Hans?

At the Palace Theatre

After our movie we picked up our little pumpkin and headed to Andy's. You can't have a birthday in Springfield, MO without some Andy's! (I know... food again!) If you've come to visit us, chances are we've taken you to Andy's. Truth is, we're always looking for an excuse to go to Andy's. It's a locally owned frozen custard joint that is extremely popular here in the Ozarks. Toward the end of my pregnancy with Evie, we were eating Andy's at least once a week and Phil never complained about that!

That was our day of celebrating! Phil is such a wonderful man, I am so thankful that I married him... one of the best things I've ever done! I hope this year is a year of growth, blessing, and fulfillment for you, Phil! I love you!

Here are some pictures of our little cutie with her daddy. They're pretty special buddies.

 



Evie's always happier outside

 



 Oh, and before I sign off, I thought I'd post a prego picture. I'm 16 weeks in this shot. I'm definitely showing a lot sooner with this pregnancy... hopefully that doesn't mean I'll surpass my belly size from my first pregnancy... I was sooo big! I can't imagine being any bigger!

Week 16 with baby #2

This was week 16 of my pregnancy with Evie.

 

 

 

 



 

 

Happy Fourth!

Happy 4th of July! We hope you all had a wonderful day enjoying our freedom!

Today Phil had the day off, so he let me sleep in... unfortunately, Evie didn't get that memo! But, I was able to stay in bed as long as I wanted and Phil took care of breakfast duty, too. We had a really nice day of family time... we went "thrifting" in the morning, looking for a new dresser and a dryer, with no success, but it's always fun to look. Then we came home and ate lunch and rested! I was hoping to get a real nap in, but a few hours in comfy clothes just hanging out was sufficient. Then we went to our friends house, the Vigil's, for dinner. It was kind of like a work reunion, most of the members from our Student Development Department were there. They really are like family to us and it was so refreshing to see them! We decided against going to the fireworks since it's so late for Evie, but our house is very close to downtown, so we'll see if we can hear/see them from here... hopefully Evie will sleep right through them!

Evie's friends, Devon and Demi at the BBQ

The open air, Evie's favorite

Moving Day Evie

A water bottle was a great distraction for Evie on moving day

Without the cushions, Evie could easily climb on the couch


 

Moving into our new home was a lot of work! I think we're almost recovered... We moved in on Saturday and thank God it was a beautiful day, high in the mid-70s! Which is miraculous for Springfield this time of year! It was a looong day of loading and unpacking, (God bless the guys that helped us!) but by mid-afternoon all of our belongings were at our new home. Evie's room was the first to be unpacked (thanks to her Aunt Dee) and it was pretty much done that night. On Wednesday I mopped the floors, which to me meant our house was clean and finished (mostly!). Evie had a fever on Monday and Tuesday, so she spent most of the day in my arms. It was nice to snuggle her, but definitely wore on us both. She's getting used to our new house and today started playing independently again. She was pretty clingy, not wanting to be in a room by herself, but today she was getting into everything, which meant the old Evie was coming back! Here are some pictures of the progress on the new home:

Bathroom

Hallway from Dining Area

Kitchen! Cleaned and organized!!!

Dining Area

Our new washing machine!

Guest Bedroom... all ready for YOU!

Our front door, complete with a wreath from my Gram

View of far wall in Living room, my office area

Our Bedroom

Evie's room in progress

Living Room

We also received some great news this week from our Gocke family... Phil's brother, Steve, and his wife, Maria, will be able to pick up their son from Taiwan in two weeks! Steve and Maria have been walking (maybe felt like crawling at some points) through the adoption process for well over a year. At Thanksgiving they told us all that they had been matched with a sweet  little guy from Taiwan. In the spring they went over to Taiwan to meet Silas and now they're finally able to bring him home. We couldn't be more thrilled for them and cannot wait to snuggle that precious buddy!

Sweet Silas, 9 months old

Steve and Maria have worked so hard to go through this adoption debt free and Phil and I are so proud of their efforts and sacrifices. They have set up a "wishing quilt" where a virtual quilt square can be purchased and the purchaser can customize the square with good wishes to the baby and family. All of the proceeds will go toward bringing Silas home. There's certainly no pressure to contribute, but if you are interested, click on the link below to donate to Steve and Maria and sweet Silas: Wishing Quilt

Maria, Silas and Steve

Above all, please keep them in your prayers these next few weeks and months. Thank you!

 

I think I'm going to go snuggle next to my husband and watch a movie tonight! What a wonderful day and an exciting week! Again, Happy Fourth!

 


June at the Gocke's

Well hello and welcome to my blog! How fun is this?! My goal in starting this blog is that we (my friends and family) can feel more connected. What I miss most about living close to friends and family is the everyday, sharing life stuff. So, I'm going to share our lives here and will hopefully hear about you and your lives in the comments, an email, or even a phone call.
Before I get to the fun stuff (Evie pictures!) let's talk about commitment. I only plan on posting about once or twice a week, anything beyond that will be bonus and should not be expected as normal. :)

Our household is in a bit of disarray right now... we're moving! We are renting a house that is right across the street from where Phil works, which will make our one car situation much more workable. We have a truck reserved for this Saturday and a team of guys ready to help. Here are some pictures of our new place:

                                          Living Room

                                          Kitchen

                                                   Dining Area

                                                   Evie's Bedroom (ours looks identical, but slightly bigger)

                                                    Bathroom, pink tub included!

 

Bonus room above the garage

 



This house was really a gift from God. It met all of our criteria, plus had a lot of extras. We're so thankful! I will post "after" pictures as soon as we reach "after!"

 

Last week, Evie and I and my friend, Nicky, went to the zoo. It was free admission that day and was crazy (a zoo, literally and figuratively)! Not to mention very hot, so we didn't last too long. But we had a nice time and Evie enjoyed herself.

                                                   Hello Sunshine!

                                                    Ev trying to feed the donkey...She really liked him.

                                          Nicky and Evie

                                         The Giraffes... the best part of the zoo!

                                       

 

 

Let's see... On Father's Day we had a great time celebrating Phil! Evie helped him open his presents before church

And then after church we went to Adobe Restaurant... Phil's favorite place for wings! Then, we came home and we all took naps! It was beautiful! Then we went to a Springfield Cardinals Game that ended up being cancelled two hours after we got there due to the field being soaked from recent storms. (we left about an hour and a half after we got there to put someone to bed, but are able to use our ticket for a future game, so no loss). But, we still had the "baseball experience." We got ice cream, fried foods, got to people-watch, and hung out on the lawn. Even though there was no game, we still had a lot of fun!

For Father's Day, Evie also painted a special card for her Grandpas... She surprisingly did not enjoy the paint, but cooperated with mom and dad by plopping her painted hand onto the cards (and other places, too).

 

 

Well, that's all for now. In less than three weeks we'll be headed back to our native lands! We can't wait to see all of you! You'll definitely be hearing from me before then!